In The Palms Of Our Hands

Today is going to SUCK
2002-12-10, 6:41 a.m.

Today sucks. It really does. Not because of anything that has happened today, but for the things that won't happen now like they were supposed to.

What am I talking about?? Well its Dec 10, 2002 and today I should be holding or getting really close to holding my baby Faith. I won't get to hold her, nurse her, love her, see her, or even meet her. And today totally sucks because of that.

If I hear one more time sone tell me "Well your pregnant now, doesn't that make it better?" I am going to scream and I mean really scream.

NO it doesn't make it better. YES, I am happy and greatful for my nibblet who I am carrying. I love nibblet with all my heart already and I can't wait to meet him or her in july. BUT nibblet isn't replacing Faith. Faith is a baby I once saw with a beating heart while I carried her inside of me. I carried her inside of me even after she had passed away, and I WANTED and still WANT her too.

I know I can't have her now. I know I have to wait until its my time to meet her, but it doesn't make it hurt any less today. It doesn't make wish I was holding my baby and preparing for her arrival very soon.

My cousin had her baby about a week ago, and that was kind of hard for me. We had Noah and her son Bryce together (5 days apart) and Jaidyn and her daughter Maddie (3 months apart) and her baby Caleb and my Faith were due within week of each other. I am happy for her that she has a healthy baby, I truely am, but it makes me hurt and miss Faith even more....

Thank goodness for Noah, Jaidyn, and baby nibblet (I am now 11 weeks for those that don't remember or don't keep up)

So today is going to suck, no matter how the day goes. It doesn't help that my cat broke an orniment from the tree, and almost knocked the tree over again. And that he meowed all night because I had to put him in the garage while we slept to keep him off it, and that I had a huge headache that kept me up late last night.

The only highlight I had last night was hearing nibblets heartbeat, which reminded me that no matter who not pregnant I feel sometimes, that Nibblet is growing and doing well.

Why does life have to be so hard sometimes?

I am going to go, this entry is all jumbled up and I am not thinking straight enough to keep it from being just a mixed up jumble of words.

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