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current | archives | profile | Noah & Jaidyn | Chase | Hailey | email | notes | host | image | design Worst day; why me? The worst day of my life, or so it felt was Monday July 1st... It was the day I started bleeding. I was at my sisters and it just started out of no where. I called my mil and she took me to the er. It was a long long wait to see a dr. They did the blood work, did the pelvic, and tried to listen for the heartbeat. They didn't find it. The took me for an ultrasound. I know I wasn't supposed to see, but I saw the baby and knew it wasn't right. It wasn't how it was supposed to be. No heartbeating, measurements all wrong. I knew right then, all my worrying had been for a reason. Deep down I already knew and had for a couple weeks. But I wanted to pretend it was okay. I thought if I didn't worry, it would be okay. things like that didn't happen to me. I sat waiting for the dr to tell me what I already knew to be true and when he did I let it go. I cried and cried. It hurt so much to know the truth. To know my dreams of this baby were shattered in just one moment. That my heart was breaking for the baby I so wanted... I was swollen and big, but not from just the baby, but because of fluid build up. Since I stopped bleeding the dr. and I agreed a d&c was the right way to go, because I was starting to show signs of infection. So I went home and my sister kept the kdis over night. I started bleeding again that night, but nothing too much. So I finally fell to sleep for maybe an hour or two, before having to go back to the hospital. I got there and they did the iv, and soon after I was taking to the or. I was so scared. I had never had a surgery before, much less anithiesa and such.. I remember them hooking me up to monitors and me asking God to watch over me, and to take good care of my baby until I could be with him or her one day and then being told to take two deep breathes and breath normally. I too kthe two deep breaths and remember no more. The next thing I heard was a nurse saying, "its time to wake up"... It took forever it seems to wake up and then I was taken back to my room. An hour later after everything was okay, I was able to go home, where I slept most of the afternoon. Finally I woke up and the kids came in and I hugged them so tightly. I didn't want to let them go. They are my rock... That day was kind of a blurr, that night I took a shower and cried so hard. My body was changed, the belly gone and empty. I felt the loss so much right that moemnt. I cried throughout my shower, and as I laid in bed. Brian and I prayed together and cried together for several hours, then I finally slept, but only interrupted sleep... My life won't be the same now. I hurt every time I see anything or think of the future. I wanted my baby so much. And I understand God needed my baby. But I needed my baby too. I wanted her to hold and cuddle and nurture as I have my other two. I wanted to bond, and teach my child all the things they needed to know. I have a hard time talking about it, but writing always eases my mine, thus the reason I am writing it hear. I don't know when I will be able to write about it again, but I know I needed to. I needed to start writing my feelings, so I can begin to heal. I know this is going to be a hard road for me, harder for me tehn even Brian, since I carried my baby and loved her so much already... I look at things a little differently. I won't say, "this will never happen to me" again. Because it can and might jsut happen. I NEVER thought this would happen to me as it has. God I want my baby. I want to feel her move inside of me, and hear the tiny heartbeating. ITs so unfair soemtimes. Why me? Why this? |
