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current | archives | profile | Noah & Jaidyn | Chase | Hailey | email | notes | host | image | design One day... I talked to my MIL today again. She was telling me about my sil's dr. appt yesterday... My sil thought she was about 9 weeks, but the dr says she is further along, from the exam and such, so in two weeks she goes in for an u/s to see for sure. She is either further a long or maybe twins. I hope she is just further along. I don't know if I could take them having two babies right now. I want to be happy for them, I do. I really really do, but it hurts so badly sometimes. They live so close to us, and I am reminded of it so often. They are thinking she will be due at the end of Feb or the beginning of March, atleast that isn't dec or jan, because then it would hurt more I think... God I want my baby, its just not fair sometimes. My brother in law and sister in law, aren't good parents, don't get along well, and have no money (which I know that doesn't really matter in parenting but whem they buy a 5000 dollar boat while they know they are expecting it shows they don't have prorities straight) Anyway here Brian and I are, good parents, who get along very well, work together well and know what we can afford and have kids and we had our baby taken from us. SO unfair sometimesl... I want my baby, and I know I can't have her. I want another baby, not to replace Faith, but because I long for a baby. I feel this ache every day for a baby. Yes I ache for Faith, but I know I can't have her back, but I know I can have another baby. Another baby to hold, hug, kiss, nurse, and teach. God a want a baby, I hope Brian really does want to try again soon. I ache for the feeling of a baby inside of me, or my growing belly and the sound of a precious heart beat. I long to hold a newborn baby that I have given birth too. I long for the labor and deleviery that I so enjoy... sigh... depressed again. I hate being depressed, yet I stay that way a lot of the time now :( Another grip is this, why do people think we have the perfect family because I have a girl and a boy. People say things like "If you had two boys or two girls we could see why you would want another, but you have both, so you don't need another" I say F*ck (sorry I never cuss like that) that. Its not about having a boy or a girl to me. Its about the precious, healthy baby I can nurture and love. The little human being I can bring into this world. People are annoying sometimes. Life is annoying sometimes too... But you know what? I love my kids. My daughter, even when she is empting out kitty litter, has the most beautiful smiles, the sweetest laugh. My son, even when he is being whiney, is the most handsome and smart boy. He is loving and caring. His hugs are full of love, and the twinkle in his eye when he smiles is the greatest. I love my kids, and thus the reason I have the strangth each day to get out of bed, and move on. They are my life and my world. Maybe one day I will have another child to love as much as I love them, maybe its greedy to want another one, when I have 2 perfect kids here with me now, and some people aren't able to have kids. But you know what? Sometimes I don't care if I am being selfish. |
